still afraid, but dare i hope?
Posted by: mz on: Wednesday, June 4, 2008
- In: faith | moosings | time for chocolate
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So my years as an undergraduate have come and gone, with relief marking the historic occasion of finding out that I passed all my modules this semester. It hasn’t been a walk in the park and my grades clearly reflect that. I feel like I’ve been on an emotional and mental rollercoaster and I’m still searching for some level ground. Things have sort of come to a head recently as I’ve been forced to face up to some of the most wrenching and entrenched issues in my life. The murky past has been dug up, and the equally murky future poked at and stirred up.
The pressure hasn’t relented and my words have been spiked more often than not with spite, scorn, anger, irritation, jealousy and selfishness. So much so that I feel like I cannot stand myself any longer, and have to stop. To stop, go away, take stock and pray. I took another walk today, and sat at the benches again to think, to cry, to pray. Once again I realise the futility and hopelessness of being human, one who has lost her way, who has lost her inner compass, who has lost sight of God. I came back after having resolved in my mind to learn what it means to love, and had one of those momentous talks with my mum that shall change my perspective for the rest of my life, God-willing it never slips from my mind. Suddenly life doesn’t seem that intimidating or scary after all. Perhaps I might even come to see it as potentially liveable and even full of exciting happy possibilities, given time. Perhaps, I can learn to forgive and forget. And through it all, God is always there, He is on my side, not against me, and that is the most important bit of all.
The Never-forsaking God“He Himself has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you’” —Hebrews 13:5What line of thinking do my thoughts take? Do I turn to what God says or to my own fears? Am I simply repeating what God says, or am I learning to truly hear Him and then to respond after I have heard what He says? “For He Himself has said, ’I will never leave you nor forsake you.’ So we may boldly say: ’The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?’ ” ( Hebrews 13:5-6 ).
“I will never leave you . . .”— not for any reason; not my sin, selfishness, stubbornness, nor waywardness. Have I really let God say to me that He will never leave me? If I have not truly heard this assurance of God, then let me listen again.
“I will never . . . forsake you.” Sometimes it is not the difficulty of life but the drudgery of it that makes me think God will forsake me. When there is no major difficulty to overcome, no vision from God, nothing wonderful or beautiful— just the everyday activities of life— do I hear God’s assurance even in these?
We have the idea that God is going to do some exceptional thing— that He is preparing and equipping us for some extraordinary work in the future. But as we grow in His grace we find that God is glorifying Himself here and now, at this very moment. If we have God’s assurance behind us, the most amazing strength becomes ours, and we learn to sing, glorifying Him even in the ordinary days and ways of life.
afraid to fail, afraid to fall.
Posted by: mz on: Tuesday, April 1, 2008
- In: faith | moosings | school | time for chocolate
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“Failure is the battle scar of someone who tried.”
Picked up this little illustrated book called “Mistakes that worked – 40 familiar inventions and how they came to be” by Charlotte Foltz Jones today in the USP Reading Room. It was a kiddy like book that mentioned things like Coca-cola, the ice cream cone, chocolate chip cookies, etc. – not as interesting as I thought it’d be but I liked the title.
It reminded me a bit of the some things that were shared during the VCF camp Crossroads, of how we’re “allowed” to make mistakes… how God foresees our “mistakes” and making “mistakes” doesn’t mean we’ve fallen out of God’s will. As Christians, living life according to God’s will doesn’t mean walking a tightrope, but trusting that God places each and every one of our steps on solid ground.
I’ll be the first to admit that even though I know this, I’m someone who is very afraid of making mistakes. I hate failing, and wouldn’t even bother trying if I thought I didn’t have a good chance of making it. Over the years this has translated into procrastination in doing work and studying for exams, in half-hearted efforts to finish essays attend classes. Naturally this makes the prospect of failure a very self-fulfilling prophecy, and I recognise that. (Not that I’ve never tried hard. I have, but somehow trying hard often hasn’t resulted in very good outcomes either, and that doesn’t really help much.)
But what to do? Old habits die hard. I console myself by thinking that God can make use of my failures too, but how have I been a good steward of all the opportunities given to me over the years? One month and one day left til I’m done and finished with my formal education, probably for life. I must say I’m rather disappointed with myself, and a month and a day seem hardly enough to make up for the past 16 or so years.
Yet somehow, I don’t know… it’s the beginning of something new… and all this baggage I’m carrying with me – God will have a use for them… somehow. I suppose graduation is not quite a reset, although I wish it were. These things seem to catch up with you. Faith in God tells me that I need not recognise the past’s hold on me any longer, but in practice that is much harder to achieve.
In any case, the original intention of this post was to share the quote above, that I found in the book. Arguably, failure can also be the scar of someone who didn’t try… But I’d really much rather be a fighter than a wimp.
(Verse 1)
All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before you, oh Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaims
The joy and the pain, I’m making them yours(Chorus)
Lord, I offer my life to you
Everything I’ve been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life(Verse 2)
Things in the past, things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my heart, alll of my praise
My heart and my hands are lifted to you(Bridge)
What can we give
That you have not given?
And what do we have
That is not already yours?
All we possess
Are these lives we’re living
That’s what we give to you, Lord- “I Offer My Life” by Don Moen
how now?
Posted by: mz on: Wednesday, January 23, 2008
The excitement has faded, and I’m suddenly at a loss for what to do.
The words don’t come, neither do the thoughts,
Just a tightness in the chest, a twinge in the heart, and a familiar damp on the cheeks.
Not-so-vague feelings of despair creep unbidden into every moment.
What to do? What to do?
What do I do?
2007 in retrospect, and looking ahead
Posted by: mz on: Wednesday, January 9, 2008
- In: faith | moosings
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2007 has been quite tough for me in many ways, there were happy times but there were many things I’ve had to get used to, and change myself for and adapt to. It hasn’t been easy, and has often been very painful. I don’t see the end of this yet, and often question the necessity of going through these tough times.
In the midst of these, it’s particularly easy to want to curl up somewhere, mope and feel sorry for myself. All I want to do is get some attention and ME-time.
I’m thankful for all the friends who’ve reminded me during these times to pray. As Christians, our lives are never meant to be about US. It’s never about ME-time.
Yet keeping this in mind constantly is difficult. We know our lives are meant to be lived for more than our own selves, but often we are able to only see things from our own perspective. Because God is not there physically to keep nagging us like our friends or family, we require faith to recognise that He is always there, He is real, and that He means what He says.
So 2007 has come and gone, and I’m none the worse for wear, I think. Griefs and hurts suffered fade away and I cannot recall the extent of their pain. I survived, and somehow that has to be enough – enough reason for me to take the risks I must this coming year. That, the memories of happy times and God who is with me, Emmanuel.
So this year, the hope for something more, something better – I pray I will not lose it. The determination, the refusal to settle for anything less, the motivation to succeed and the passion to give my best in everything I do and do well – somehow I hope to regain it.
2008 holds many questions and many uncertainties I don’t know if I’ll be able to deal with. But I will get through this, somehow, like I got through 2007. I’m sure there’ll be many surprises, and I hope the good times will be more than the tough ones…
Ahhh.. I think I’m beginning to look forward to it already.. sort of.
unbearable
Posted by: mz on: Sunday, December 2, 2007
- In: moosings | school
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- the last few days before I finally end all academic obligations for this semester that is. As usual, I don’t have a single exam this semester. I actually haven’t had exams ever since year 3. Just “final quizzes” and “class tests” and whatnot, which really are the same as exams la, except I don’t have reading week to study for them. Plus, I end up having to do more projects and reports and yucky stuff, which I dislike just as much, but which I thankfully score better for, on the average.
But anyway, it’s an agonising last 3 days before my Consulting Practicum (I suppose you could call it my final year project, I don’t know how else to explain it) presentation to my EXTREMELY hard to please supervisor and the clients. Garh… it’s really hard to get to work when all I wanna do is bum somewhere nice, preferably with the boyfriend, and some really good food. =(
trust and obey
Posted by: mz on: Saturday, November 17, 2007
- In: faith | moosings
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Recently, I’ve come across some devotional passages from Oswald Chambers’ My Utmost for His Highest which I thought would be nice to highlight here.
These passages all talk about faith. People often struggle when they try to understand what faith means, and how that translates practically to life. I know I do sometimes, and these articles have been good reminders for me, so I hope they will be useful to you too.
Read the rest of this entry »
excitement is…
Posted by: mz on: Monday, November 5, 2007
- In: photos & videos | random | smile :)
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receiving your Macbook shipment notice. =D
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