So my years as an undergraduate have come and gone, with relief marking the historic occasion of finding out that I passed all my modules this semester. It hasn’t been a walk in the park and my grades clearly reflect that. I feel like I’ve been on an emotional and mental rollercoaster and I’m still searching for some level ground. Things have sort of come to a head recently as I’ve been forced to face up to some of the most wrenching and entrenched issues in my life. The murky past has been dug up, and the equally murky future poked at and stirred up.

The pressure hasn’t relented and my words have been spiked more often than not with spite, scorn, anger, irritation, jealousy and selfishness. So much so that I feel like I cannot stand myself any longer, and have to stop. To stop, go away, take stock and pray. I took another walk today, and sat at the benches again to think, to cry, to pray. Once again I realise the futility and hopelessness of being human, one who has lost her way, who has lost her inner compass, who has lost sight of God. I came back after having resolved in my mind to learn what it means to love, and had one of those momentous talks with my mum that shall change my perspective for the rest of my life, God-willing it never slips from my mind. Suddenly life doesn’t seem that intimidating or scary after all. Perhaps I might even come to see it as potentially liveable and even full of exciting happy possibilities, given time. Perhaps, I can learn to forgive and forget. And through it all, God is always there, He is on my side, not against me, and that is the most important bit of all.

My Utmost For His Highest

June 4, 2008

The Never-forsaking God

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“He Himself has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you’” —Hebrews 13:5

What line of thinking do my thoughts take? Do I turn to what God says or to my own fears? Am I simply repeating what God says, or am I learning to truly hear Him and then to respond after I have heard what He says? “For He Himself has said, ’I will never leave you nor forsake you.’ So we may boldly say: ’The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?’ ” ( Hebrews 13:5-6 ).

“I will never leave you . . .”— not for any reason; not my sin, selfishness, stubbornness, nor waywardness. Have I really let God say to me that He will never leave me? If I have not truly heard this assurance of God, then let me listen again.

“I will never . . . forsake you.” Sometimes it is not the difficulty of life but the drudgery of it that makes me think God will forsake me. When there is no major difficulty to overcome, no vision from God, nothing wonderful or beautiful— just the everyday activities of life— do I hear God’s assurance even in these?

We have the idea that God is going to do some exceptional thing— that He is preparing and equipping us for some extraordinary work in the future. But as we grow in His grace we find that God is glorifying Himself here and now, at this very moment. If we have God’s assurance behind us, the most amazing strength becomes ours, and we learn to sing, glorifying Him even in the ordinary days and ways of life.