The pressure hasn’t relented and my words have been spiked more often than not with spite, scorn, anger, irritation, jealousy and selfishness. So much so that I feel like I cannot stand myself any longer, and have to stop. To stop, go away, take stock and pray. I took another walk today, and sat at the benches again to think, to cry, to pray. Once again I realise the futility and hopelessness of being human, one who has lost her way, who has lost her inner compass, who has lost sight of God. I came back after having resolved in my mind to learn what it means to love, and had one of those momentous talks with my mum that shall change my perspective for the rest of my life, God-willing it never slips from my mind. Suddenly life doesn’t seem that intimidating or scary after all. Perhaps I might even come to see it as potentially liveable and even full of exciting happy possibilities, given time. Perhaps, I can learn to forgive and forget. And through it all, God is always there, He is on my side, not against me, and that is the most important bit of all.

My Utmost For His Highest

June 4, 2008

The Never-forsaking God

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“He Himself has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you’” —Hebrews 13:5

What line of thinking do my thoughts take? Do I turn to what God says or to my own fears? Am I simply repeating what God says, or am I learning to truly hear Him and then to respond after I have heard what He says? “For He Himself has said, ’I will never leave you nor forsake you.’ So we may boldly say: ’The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?’ ” ( Hebrews 13:5-6 ).

“I will never leave you . . .”— not for any reason; not my sin, selfishness, stubbornness, nor waywardness. Have I really let God say to me that He will never leave me? If I have not truly heard this assurance of God, then let me listen again.

“I will never . . . forsake you.” Sometimes it is not the difficulty of life but the drudgery of it that makes me think God will forsake me. When there is no major difficulty to overcome, no vision from God, nothing wonderful or beautiful— just the everyday activities of life— do I hear God’s assurance even in these?

We have the idea that God is going to do some exceptional thing— that He is preparing and equipping us for some extraordinary work in the future. But as we grow in His grace we find that God is glorifying Himself here and now, at this very moment. If we have God’s assurance behind us, the most amazing strength becomes ours, and we learn to sing, glorifying Him even in the ordinary days and ways of life.

“Failure is the battle scar of someone who tried.”

Picked up this little illustrated book called “Mistakes that worked – 40 familiar inventions and how they came to be” by Charlotte Foltz Jones today in the USP Reading Room. It was a kiddy like book that mentioned things like Coca-cola, the ice cream cone, chocolate chip cookies, etc. – not as interesting as I thought it’d be but I liked the title.

It reminded me a bit of the some things that were shared during the VCF camp Crossroads, of how we’re “allowed” to make mistakes… how God foresees our “mistakes” and making “mistakes” doesn’t mean we’ve fallen out of God’s will. As Christians, living life according to God’s will doesn’t mean walking a tightrope, but trusting that God places each and every one of our steps on solid ground.

I’ll be the first to admit that even though I know this, I’m someone who is very afraid of making mistakes. I hate failing, and wouldn’t even bother trying if I thought I didn’t have a good chance of making it. Over the years this has translated into procrastination in doing work and studying for exams, in half-hearted efforts to finish essays attend classes. Naturally this makes the prospect of failure a very self-fulfilling prophecy, and I recognise that. (Not that I’ve never tried hard. I have, but somehow trying hard often hasn’t resulted in very good outcomes either, and that doesn’t really help much.)

But what to do? Old habits die hard. I console myself by thinking that God can make use of my failures too, but how have I been a good steward of all the opportunities given to me over the years? One month and one day left til I’m done and finished with my formal education, probably for life. I must say I’m rather disappointed with myself, and a month and a day seem hardly enough to make up for the past 16 or so years.

Yet somehow, I don’t know… it’s the beginning of something new… and all this baggage I’m carrying with me – God will have a use for them… somehow. I suppose graduation is not quite a reset, although I wish it were. These things seem to catch up with you. Faith in God tells me that I need not recognise the past’s hold on me any longer, but in practice that is much harder to achieve.

In any case, the original intention of this post was to share the quote above, that I found in the book. Arguably, failure can also be the scar of someone who didn’t try… But I’d really much rather be a fighter than a wimp.

(Verse 1)
All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before you, oh Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaims
The joy and the pain, I’m making them yours

(Chorus)
Lord, I offer my life to you
Everything I’ve been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life

(Verse 2)
Things in the past, things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my heart, alll of my praise
My heart and my hands are lifted to you

(Bridge)
What can we give
That you have not given?
And what do we have
That is not already yours?
All we possess
Are these lives we’re living
That’s what we give to you, Lord

- “I Offer My Life” by Don Moen

The words don’t come, neither do the thoughts,

Just a tightness in the chest, a twinge in the heart, and a familiar damp on the cheeks.

Not-so-vague feelings of despair creep unbidden into every moment.

What to do? What to do?

What do I do?

In the midst of these, it’s particularly easy to want to curl up somewhere, mope and feel sorry for myself. All I want to do is get some attention and ME-time.

I’m thankful for all the friends who’ve reminded me during these times to pray. As Christians, our lives are never meant to be about US. It’s never about ME-time.

Yet keeping this in mind constantly is difficult. We know our lives are meant to be lived for more than our own selves, but often we are able to only see things from our own perspective. Because God is not there physically to keep nagging us like our friends or family, we require faith to recognise that He is always there, He is real, and that He means what He says.

So 2007 has come and gone, and I’m none the worse for wear, I think. Griefs and hurts suffered fade away and I cannot recall the extent of their pain. I survived, and somehow that has to be enough – enough reason for me to take the risks I must this coming year. That, the memories of happy times and God who is with me, Emmanuel.

So this year, the hope for something more, something better – I pray I will not lose it. The determination, the refusal to settle for anything less, the motivation to succeed and the passion to give my best in everything I do and do well – somehow I hope to regain it.

2008 holds many questions and many uncertainties I don’t know if I’ll be able to deal with. But I will get through this, somehow, like I got through 2007. I’m sure there’ll be many surprises, and I hope the good times will be more than the tough ones…

Ahhh.. I think I’m beginning to look forward to it already.. sort of.

But anyway, it’s an agonising last 3 days before my Consulting Practicum (I suppose you could call it my final year project, I don’t know how else to explain it) presentation to my EXTREMELY hard to please supervisor and the clients. Garh… it’s really hard to get to work when all I wanna do is bum somewhere nice, preferably with the boyfriend, and some really good food. =(

These passages all talk about faith. People often struggle when they try to understand what faith means, and how that translates practically to life. I know I do sometimes, and these articles have been good reminders for me, so I hope they will be useful to you too.

The following are quotes from My Utmost for His Highest:

Oct 30, 2007

Turning intellectual faith into our personal possession is always a fight, not just sometimes. God brings us into particular circumstances to educate our faith, because the nature of faith is to make the object of our faith very real to us. Until we know Jesus, God is merely a concept, and we can’t have faith in Him. But once we hear Jesus say, “He who has seen Me has seen the Father” ( John 14:9 ) we immediately have something that is real, and our faith is limitless.

Oct 31, 2007

We have the idea that God rewards us for our faith, and it may be so in the initial stages. But we do not earn anything through faith— faith brings us into the right relationship with God and gives Him His opportunity to work. Yet God frequently has to knock the bottom out of your experience as His saint to get you in direct contact with Himself. God wants you to understand that it is a life of faith, not a life of emotional enjoyment of His blessings. The beginning of your life of faith was very narrow and intense, centered around a small amount of experience that had as much emotion as faith in it, and it was full of light and sweetness. Then God withdrew His conscious blessings to teach you to “walk by faith” ( 2 Corinthians 5:7 ). And you are worth much more to Him now than you were in your days of conscious delight with your thrilling testimony.

Faith by its very nature must be tested and tried. And the real trial of faith is not that we find it difficult to trust God, but that God’s character must be proven as trustworthy in our own minds. Faith being worked out into reality must experience times of unbroken isolation. Never confuse the trial of faith with the ordinary discipline of life, because a great deal of what we call the trial of faith is the inevitable result of being alive. Faith, as the Bible teaches it, is faith in God coming against everything that contradicts Him— a faith that says, “I will remain true to God’s character whatever He may do.”

Nov 17, 2007

God’s revelation of Himself to me is influenced by my character, not by God’s character.

… The promises of God are of no value to us until, through obedience, we come to understand the nature of God. We may read some things in the Bible every day for a year and they may mean nothing to us. Then, because we have been obedient to God in some small detail, we suddenly see what God means and His nature is instantly opened up to us.

According to this article, if you see the dancer turning clockwise you are predominantly right-brained. If you see the dancer turning anti-clockwise, you are predominantly left-brained.

haha, this is very fun! The first time I saw this picture, I could only see the dancer turning clockwise. I stared at it for minutes but nothing changed. I closed my eyes and opened them again, I tried looking at it from the corner of my eye, I tried to visualise it going anti-clockwise but still couldn’t see it going anti-clockwise! I thought it was all bluff and was rather unsatisfied with not being able to see it going anti-clockwise.

But I managed to do it today! hehe. What I did was I opened the picture in a separate window in Firefox, and there was a miniature version of the picture in the tab bar for that page, so I stared at it until I suddenly saw the dancer going anti-clockwise! So exciting! haha, and from the corner of my eye I realised the dancer in the normal-sized picture was going anti-clockwise also.. so cool.

If you see the dancer going clockwise, the shadow of her pointed foot falls as she is turning to the front. For the dancer going anti-clockwise, the shadow of her foot falls when she is turning to the back.

There are apparently people who can switch between both clockwise and anti-clockwise modes easily. I suppose they might use both sides of their brains more equally or something, I don’t know.. haha.. I am not one of those people. I still cant see the anti-clockwise motion without the miniature picture, and even so it isnt easy, so I guess I might be highly right-brained? *shrug* (fits though… I think la..)

Haha! So cute, my goodness! I especially like the exam ones…

New school semester:

At the first week:

At the second week:

Before the mid-term test:

During the mid-term test:

After the mid-term test:

Before the final exam:

Once know the final exam schedule:

7 days before final exam:

6 days before final exam:

5 days before final exam:

4 days before final exam:

3 days before final exam:

2 days before final exam:

1 day before final exam:

A night before final exam:

1 hour before final exam:

During the final exam: 

Once walk out from the exam hall:

After the final exam, during the holiday: